The Upside of Down

The Upside of Down

I was asked by several of my friends to share some of my feelings about depression.  

  

My prayer has always been to help those who are struggle with the dark heaviness of
chronic depression, major depressive and

bipolar disorder.


The overwhelming feelings may be mild or chronic, simple or complex and may last for a month, 6 weeks, 6 months, 6 years or what feels like 6 forevers.

My whole life has been plagued with periods of extreme highs and lows.  Twelve years ago, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.  I started a blog called The Upside of Down. There really is an upside of down. I hope that as you walk with me on this journey you will find a message of HOPE and healing.

I was depressed as a child.  I experienced bouts of depression as a teenager and young adult with episodes of mania and rage.  I questioned my salvation.  I questioned my sanity.  After the birth of my first child, I was treated for depression and was put on an antidepressant.  Antidepressants helped but there continued to be the “crazy.”  I read the biography of Patty Duke which described exactly what I was experiencing.  The symptoms of mania became particularly disturbing when I became an Activity Director.  I would plan and implement big events and everything looked big and wonderful.  I sometimes thought I could take on two or three events in a month and I did it.  However, only those with whom I worked saw the behind the scenes ugly me.

There are stories that I will share and some I will never share.

I wanted to get better.  I didn’t want to take medicine.  I cried out on my blog.  I spoke with anger on Facebook begging for someone to validate my feelings.  I’ve seen so many cries for help on Facebook and I’m praying someone help!  Often the Christian world is silent on the subject.  I realize now, a few years down the road that people don’t know what to say.  It’s like grief- because we don’t know what to say, we say the wrong thing or stay away and say nothing. Either way, it is isolating. Here me Christian world, BE THERE! 

·                     In our weakness, He is strong.

"Three times I (Paul) pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me.  But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is make perfect in weakness.  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly in my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."  2 Corinthians 12:8-9

I learned that the disease is physical, not spiritual.  Though it is true that Satan will use the weakness in our lives to cause us to despair, depression is a chemical imbalance.  Just like I needed meds for my high blood pressure, I needed medication for depression.

Finding the right combination of medications is one of the frustrating components of the disease. It took me a year to find the right combination.

My medications have been changed more times that I can count.  I am familiar with most of the drugs on the market.  The crazy thing about the Bipolar brain is that the transmitters often don’t do what the drug says do.  What works for most is not usually going to work with my crazy-brain. I’ve heard people refer to their brains as “Chemo-brain.”  I call mine “crazy-brain.”

·                     Sometimes it gets worse before it gets better.

A few years ago the doctor started weaning me off one of the medications that I was put on when I was diagnosed.

Research indicated that the drug had been known to cause early dementia with prolonged use. I could see the signs.  The fear that when along with the forgetfulness was more than enough to send me spiraling.

I asked the doctor to wean me off.  I went through the horrible side effects of withdrawal, trembling hands, profuse sweating, nightmares, hallucinations and unrealistic fears. It’s worse than you can imagine. Another medication was added to help with the withdrawal.

·                     Keep your appointments.

One of the components of the disease is forgetfulness and non-compliance. 

Forgetting to take the meds, refusing to take the meds, forgetting appointments or refusing to keep appointments is a constant battle for the doctor and the patient with BD.

In the process of weaning off the anti-anxiety meds, I missed a couple of appointments. The doctor took a few days off and I got the recording, "If this is a true emergency, please go to your local emergency room." YES!  I think it’s an emergency!

I suffered two weeks without the medication.

The withdrawal was vicious. I honestly thought that something was terribly wrong and I was going to die before I could get help.  My thoughts were racy.  I told David that if I did something to myself, it would be out of my control.
"We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowlege of God and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."  2 Corinthians 10:5

In the end, by the Grace of God I got through it and I am now on the other side. Although I am no longer on anti-anxiety meds, I still struggle with anxiety.

·                     Read God's Word and pray without ceasing.

A few times a new drug comes out and my doctor wants to “try it”.  I express my fears of starting over.  

I feel like I am always starting over.

The FEARS are overwhelming.  I hear horror stories of real people, who have had major reactions to medications that resulted in suicide. Don’t forget to take your medication!!! Sometimes we forget. Sometimes I run out on a weekend and can’t get a refill until Monday.   One day without it and I’m okay, the second day, my body starts reacting.  By the third day, I can’t concentrate, my thoughts are racy and all over the place. I can’t finish a thought.   My ears start ringing. This happened to me recently while waiting for a mail order.  David said, “Have you had your medication?”  Your loved ones often notice the difference before you do. 

I’ve learned to say what I will and will not put into my body.  I know what works and what doesn’t.  I can tell after one dose. I stand up for myself.  I educated myself.

·                     Pay attention to your body

I told Mr. H "If you see "crazy" (more than I normally am), hide all the weapons (we don't have guns), restrain me and call 911. Listen to your family.

·                     Pray the Word of God

I pray aloud, "Lord, you say in YOUR WORD, that you will 'protect me and preserve my life. You will sustain me on my sickbed and restore me from the bed of my illness'. You have promised me that, 'No weapon forged against me shall prosper.'  You have said, 'After you have suffered awhile, I will stablish, strengthen and settle me'."  I believe your Word. I trust in your unfailing love and I know that your grace will be enough. 

  

·                     Never lose hope, never give up!

I can testify to the grace of God to carry me through the incredibly dark places of my life.

At the present time, I am only taking two medications every day for my depression.  A few years ago, I was taking five.

I truly believe that God heals in different ways.  Sometime he gives doctors the wisdom to treat the patient and the chemist the chemicals to do the research and the intellect to find the formula (the chemist, the chemical and the formulas come from God). Sometimes he heals instantaneously. Sometimes the healing is gradual. Sometimes He give Grace.

His grace is always enough.

Sometimes He calms the storm.  Sometimes He calms me. 

Thankful for a God of All GRACE.

There really is an upside to down.  I've learned a greater dependence on God.  I am able to comfort others who are experiencing the overwhelming feeling of hopelessness.  I can usually detect when others are down.  I see the signs. I am more sensitive to the needs of others.  I am more encouraging.  

God is good.  When you are hanging on to the end of the rope, tie a knot and hang on.  Get help. Reach out to someone who truly cares.  Most of all, cry out to Jesus.  He is touched with your feelings of infirmity.